Dear Employee, You're probably wondering how I'm typing this - but that's a foolish question - I AM a keyboard, after all. A dirty keyboard. All day long I take your abuse and ask for little in return. My beige keys turn to black as your grubby little fingers hammer away with reckless abandon. Your thumb drives at my SPACEBAR relentlessly. And you abuse BACKSPACE like a doormat under your muddy shoes. I deserve some respect, that's all I'm saying. Common courtesies, like the ones you extend to my office counterparts. When the mouse slows down, you clean the lint or replace the batteries. Screen smudge? You break out the Windex. But I sit here and act as a repository for your finger filth, potato chip crumbs, and flaky dandruff. Don't believe me? Take a time out from this letter (a cry for help) and shake me upside down. Ew! I'm not threatening to lock up during that critical report, keyboards don't roll like that. But a little maintenance would be nice. An … [Read more...] about An Open Letter From Your Dirty Keyboard
What’s Your Ranking at Work?
Maybe I don’t spend enough time reading biz books because I’d never heard of the “forced ranking” system that some companies use. Hey, I can still write for a career blog and not read those, ubiquitous biz success books. But an article on forced rankings did catch my attention. Basically, it’s a way for your employer to designate your performance level in the company. Good for you if you are a 1, not so cool if you’re a 3, because 3’s can designate dead wood, “not performing up to whatever” and you could be history before you know it.Different Ranking SystemI really don’t like that forced ranking thing, so I’m making up my own. Think of it as a combination of the Miss America pageant, what your boss really thinks of you and how your co-workers truly perform. Instead of your boss doing the ranking, you’d have a panel of judges comprised of only one manager, some co-workers and maybe even some clients.Here are some … [Read more...] about What’s Your Ranking at Work?
Games for Office Olympics
We might be over 250 days away from the 2012 Olympic games in London, but now is time to bring the excitement, the anticipation and the intense feelings of success, failure and celebration to your office.Therefore, hold on to your seat, as we bring you the office Olympics. What you will need is two or three teams representing the countries/ states/county’s of your choice, some willing volunteers within those teams, and a free lunch break.THE DESK CHAIR SPRINTAs with most track events this can also be run as a relay. Equipment needed is two office chairs on wheels, an approved area of track (normally one end of the office to the coffee machine) and two top athletes (or whoever is feeling a bit bored in the office) Rules A) Bums can never leave the seatB) Only legs are allowed to be used to propel the chair along- no arms allowed.C) The first person to cross the line is the … [Read more...] about Games for Office Olympics
Where to Find Unemployed Astronauts
With NASA’s last shuttle launch, Andrew was worried about the fate of all those unemployed astronauts. So I offered to look into some new job opportunities for them. As we all know, in this uncertain economy, a lot of workers have to consider positions outside their areas of training and expertise.Requirements for AstronautFirst I had to find out what requirements you have to meet to be an astronaut so I could determine their skill-set. I have to admit, I really don’t know much about what they do besides go up, come down and do the weightlessness thing. I’m not in any way discounting their expertise, I’m just uninformed.According to NASA’s website info for students, you have to have good vision, good blood pressure and be between 62 and 75 inches tall. Oh yeah, you also need a bachelor’s degree in engineering, math or science. Under the specialist areas, like mission specialist, you have to do more stuff. Details, details. What are they going to do … [Read more...] about Where to Find Unemployed Astronauts
Office Candy Bowl Smackdown
Do you have those ubiquitous candy bowls in your office? I’m guessing right now they contain some kind of left-over little chocolate, foil-wrapped Easter eggs. One can only hope it’s a nice peanut butter filling. Oh, I got distracted for a minute. I’ll give a nod to Passover, but I’m thinking there probably aren’t any bowls filled with old matzo.Candy PoliceA WSJ article, “The Battle of the Office Candy Jar” got me thinking about this critical aspect of office politics. I first became aware of its importance when I started working in the alcohol and drug counseling field. Most of my colleagues were recovering alcoholics. I was a fairly newly-recovering nicotine addict and never knew I had a sweet tooth until I gave up the cigs. Here’s something to jot down – Don’t EVER mess with a recovering person’s sugar delivery method of choice.One day, the receptionist, who was no fun on so many levels, announced we would do away … [Read more...] about Office Candy Bowl Smackdown
Work Service Rewards, What Would Get You Out of Bed in the Morning?
As I mentioned in Part 1 of this post’s topic, I had no idea that lame service rewards would hit such a nerve! So I decided to follow up by asking what you would LIKE to receive from your employer recognizing your work with the company. No one said they wanted a company-logo enhanced item.HR ConcursIt surprised me that many of the folks I heard from work in HR departments. Most of them agree with the staff that the usual fare is totally uncool.One HR director offered, “In lieu of the company-logo’d binoculars, I’d much rather receive a day off with a spa gift certificate or cash gift card.”Listen to the ShrinkDr. Janet Civitelli is a workplace psychologist, career coach and manager of a career counseling team at a large urban university. So her experience with employees covers a number of niche sectors and she works to “help clients achieve greater work and life satisfaction.” Here’s her take on service gifts...“After 20 years of … [Read more...] about Work Service Rewards, What Would Get You Out of Bed in the Morning?
20 Years of Service and All I Got Was This Lame Pin!
When Andrew suggested the post idea of corporate "years of service" awards, I had no clue it was such a hot-button topic. When I put out the call for people to share their company gift stories, several common themes emerged: * My company is CHEAP! * Why bother? * Who wears LAPEL pins? * They provide comic relief.So, Corporate American, listen up. Here’s what your employees think.Cheapies“IBM offers a fine selection of landfill worthy items - any one of these fine items can be yours for just TEN YEARS of service! * A "Henkel’s" Knife Set (Made in China not Germany) and usually on special at Bed Bath N Beyond for $69.99 or less (Someone needs to tell them it's bad luck to give knives as a gift.) * A truly hideous Cut Glass and Brass … [Read more...] about 20 Years of Service and All I Got Was This Lame Pin!
What Breed of Dog Is Your Boss?
As I was writing an article about the most popular dog breeds, I started thinking that we work with a lot of dogs "Animals in the Workplace - No, Not Your Boss!". I don’t mean that to be denigrating, but don’t you just see different breeds around you at work?TerriersDoes your boss get hold of an idea and never let it go? Imagine him as a member of the terrier group, running around with a toy in his mouth, violently shaking it side to side. Terriers are also great at rooting things out of holes or hiding places. You can’t hide from your boss; he’ll find you, even if he has to sniff around under your desk. Now if your boss has a scruffy little beard, you’re never going to look at him again without thinking, “fox terrier.”What about the hyper co-worker who can’t even finish one sentence before starting the next? I don’t know if she can leap up to your full height like my neighbor’s Jack Russell terrier, but has it ever been … [Read more...] about What Breed of Dog Is Your Boss?
Work Lunches Stolen? Get The Fridge Locker
Every worker has experienced getting their lunches stolen from the office fridge. It usually happens on a rainy day when you have no cash in your wallet. The suspects are often obvious, but unless you find someone reeking of your sandwich or chowing down in the stairwell, bringing these thieves to justice is a long shot. But where ever there’s a problem, there’s someone looking to score a million bucks with a solution.The As Seen on TV people have stuck (comedy) gold again, this time, with The Fridge Locker. A 3-digit combination code keeps your food safe, locked behind heavy-duty plastic bars. Your coworkers can see your lunch...smell your lunch...maybe even touch your lunch - but they can’t eat it. Unless, of course, they have a hacksaw in their desk drawer. And if they are already stealing lunches - it’s possible. Crime is a slippery slope.With catchy slogans such as “The Personal Food Security System,” … [Read more...] about Work Lunches Stolen? Get The Fridge Locker
10 Coworker Crush Types
Flirting at work. A hobby for some, an art form for others. Without a coworker crush, the workplace would be an even colder and darker place. In honor of Valentine's Day, Jobacle would like to thank our coworker crushes for never expecting flowers the next day. Tell your coworker how they feel! Tweet your office "love" by using Twitter hashtag #CoworkerCrush. Name: The New Girl Signs: You wake up in the morning and suddenly realize that you’re not dreading work as much as you did yesterday. In fact, you even care about your appearance. Relationship: This new hire will have you going out of your way to see her or converse with her. You’ll likely find excuses to deal with people you normally avoid just to get a glimpse. Why It Works: She’s like a bright light in a dim office. You’re desperate for change and this cutie represents hope. Plus, she’s unaware of your jaded past. You get a clean slate to flirt on. End Game: Just like a new car, her “newness” will wear … [Read more...] about 10 Coworker Crush Types