Forward of the Week

Dear Employees, It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.  Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.  We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.  Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner. Number 1  TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.  INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing. Number 2  TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.  INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__. Number 3  TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.  INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to … [Read more...] about Forward of the Week: Cussing at Work

I'm not a religious man, but sometimes, work frustration, can bring me to my knees.  Here's how to tell if you need to pray at work. … [Read more...] about Forward of the Week: How to Tell If You Need to Pray at Work

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf*ck you!!!2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?!3. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?4. Well this day was a total waste of make-up.5. Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?6. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.7. Do I look like a f*cking people person!8. This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting.9. I started out with nothing still have most of it left.10. I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me. 11 YOU!!... off my planet!!!12. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. Youchoose.13. Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts ofself-control.14. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.15. And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be.....?16. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.17. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.18. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.19. Do they ever shut up on your planet?20. I'm not your type. I'm … [Read more...] about Forward of the Week: 36 Things To Say When You're Stressed at Work

36 Things To Say When You're Stressed at Work1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf*ck you!!!2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?!3. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?4. Well this day was a total waste of make-up.5. Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?6. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.7. Do I look like a f*cking people person!8. This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting.9. I started out with nothing still have most of it left.10. I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me.11. YOU!!... off my planet!!!12. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. Youchoose.13. Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts ofself-control.14. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.15. And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be.....?16. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.17. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.18. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.19. Do they ever shut … [Read more...] about Forward of the Week: 36 Things To Say When You're Stressed at Work

October 23rd  is the official Slap Your Irritating Co- workers Holiday:  Do you have a co- worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't care about?  Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you?  Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty; you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it?  Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY!  Here are the rules you must follow: * You can only slap one person per hour - no more. * You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day. * You are allowed to hold someone down as other co- workers take their turns slapping the irritant. * No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a … [Read more...] about Today Is Slap Your Co-Worker Day!

From: Steve BallmerSent: Thursday, January 22, 2009 6:07 AMSubject: Realigning Resources and Reducing CostsIn response to the realities of a deteriorating economy, we're taking important steps to realign Microsoft's business. I want to tell you about what we're doing and why.Today we announced second quarter revenue of $16.6 billion. This number is an increase of just 2 percent compared with the second quarter of last year and it is approximately $900 million below our earlier expectations.The fact that we are growing at all during the worst recession in two generations reflects our strong business fundamentals and is a testament to your hard work. Our products provide great value to our customers. Our financial position is solid. We have made long-term investments that continue to pay off.But it is also clear that we are not immune to the effects of the economy. Consumers and businesses have reined in spending, which is affecting PC shipments and IT expenditures.Our response to this … [Read more...] about Microsoft Layoffs: Internal E-Mail Revealed

Love it or hate it, it's the Forward of the Week.  You know the drill. If it invades our inbox, you get to read about it too!  Here's comedian George Carlin's thoughts on aging...> Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.> 'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key> You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.> 'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life ! You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!> But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. … [Read more...] about Forward of the Week: Carlin on Aging

Ever have one of those weeks at work where everyone around you irritates you?  While you might not be surrounded by the sharpest tools in the shed, it's important to remember that when you feel this anger towards people, it's really you that has the problem.  Accepting people for who they are is easier said then done.  I am looking forward to the weekend so I can recalibrate and come back with a more positive attitude next week.  I must learn to better accept other people's character traits.  Thanks to Joyce for the Forward of the Week, it's already helping me cope better.The Two PotsAuthor Unknown A Water Bearer in China had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole, which he carried across his neck.One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.For a full two years, this went on daily, with the … [Read more...] about Forward of the Week: A Motivational Smile

The Lost Dr. Seuss Poem (I Love My Job) I love my job, I love the pay!I love it more and more each day.I love my boss, he is the best!I love his boss and all the rest.I love my office and its location, I hate to have to go on vacation.I love my furniture, drab and grey, and piles of paper that grow each day!I think my job is really swell, there’s nothing else I love so well.I love to work among my peers, I love their leers, and jeers, and sneers.I love my computer and its software;I hug it often though it won’t care. I love each program and every file.I’d love them more if they worked a while.I’m happy to be here. I am. I am.I’m the happiest slave of the firm, I am.I love this work, I live these chores.I love the meetings with deadly bores.I love my job - I’ll say it again - I even love those friendly men.Those friendly men who’ve come today,In clean white coats to take me away!!!! … [Read more...] about Forward of the Week: The Lost Dr. Seuss Poem

After a pretty heavy week here in Jobacle Land, we are pleased to bring you the Forward of the Week, kindly submitted by Shawna from Florida. Things You Wish You Could Say at Work:1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shi*.2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.3. How about never? Is never good for you?4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn word you’re saying.10. Ahhhh .. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.13. … [Read more...] about Things You Wish You Could Say at Work