(Editor’s Note: While we strike to help you make work better, sometimes a good ol’ fashioned rant is in order. Please excuse us. Chris hasn’t had the best day at work.)
If Hitler was the as*hole of the 20th Century, then my boss is the rusty bullet hole of the 21st. It is beyond me why my company would hire such an inconceivable, gigantic, heap of steaming horse sh*t, to do the job that he apparently does. If you, like me, are fed up with your boss’s shenanigans, then you should use this article as a way to unleash your distain, anguish, and unventilated-raw-old-fashioned-anger. So, without further adieu, here are 3 ways to kill your boss.
Death by Dildo
Invite your boss down into the basement of your office building for a chat about the state of today’s economy. Why you would select this as a suitable location is beyond me, but let’s continue none the less. Take one large black dildo (this set of criteria is important for no apparent reason), and when your boss’s back is turned, you should sneak up behind him, and with a sufficient amount of force you should strike the temple region with the tip of the dildo. Hopefully the meningeal artery will burst causing hemorrhage, and eventual death. How embarrassing.
Death by Ingestion
We must return to the basement for this one folks. For the purposes of control, we will require a hand gun. This will be used to control your boss whilst you tie him to a chair and gag him. You should then leave him there with his thoughts for a couple of days to allow for appetite development. When you return, you will convince him to eat all of his own body starting at the feet and working up wards. Obviously we will start to run into problems around the neck area, but I’m sure you can come up with a way to overcome this minor issue.
Death by Chip
I don’t know if you Americans have salt and vinegar chips, but we Europeans are very fond of them. Also, we call them crisps, not chips. Anyway, it is common knowledge that this particular flavored chip can cause you great pain if the seasoning some how gets into a small wound, for example a little scrape on your finger. So, this seasoning is the reasoning behind my next point (that rhymed unintentionally). Basically what we need to do here is use it as a means of torture in which many of these flavored chips are some how placed inside your bosses face. I don’t know how to get them in there, but I’m sure the pain would be enough to cause eventual death, at the very least, extreme discomfort, which is also acceptable. As you can see I’m still working on the methodological problems associated with this task. But any suggestions are more than welcome from you, the reader.
Note: Please don’t actually kill your boss in any of the ways outlined here, otherwise I’ll get into trouble and get sent to jail, then I’ll be sad, because I’m a rather skinny chap, and will have to become someone’s bitch in order to survive. Thank you.
This is a guest post by Chris O’ Hara.