Not only do you hear them, you see them, and you can almost smell them. They infuse the office atmosphere with the decay of defeat, the stink of sadness and a drony whine, sounding like an army of mosquitoes dive bombing into your ear on a warm summer night. Nothing’s ever right for these types, and everything’s always wrong. They can play the martyr, as in ‘I gave the best years of my life to this place, and all I got for it was a kick in the ass‘. Or they can be bitter and sullen, perennially grousing about whatever, with no subject deemed too trivial to complain about. So whether its the color of the wall paint or the ply of the toilet paper, or the type of paper clips the company uses, it’s all fair game to them. They are the office cry babies; professional complainers who serve no purpose other than to drain, to sap, the life force out of any and all co-workers that they can. They bleat like sick sheep, yet never seem to rise above their self-imposed torpor to do anything about it. So, and in recognition of their negative attitude, we induct the office cry babies into Jobacle’s ‘Place of Disgrace. A little job vent goes a long way!
It would be great Karma, don’t you think, if our office cry babies had to change jobs, and work in any of the following four noble professions. Because these are jobs that call for, even demand, three things: a big pair of shoulders, the ability to listen and the smarts to offer possible solutions to serious problems. And, if we’re gonna be completely honest, these are services that most of us, including our cube mates and the company CEO, at one time or another, can really use. Make no mistake, all of these jobs demand hard work, damned hard work, and the irony is that most clients, patients or patrons, don’t even appreciate the services they’re receiving. Except for the bartenders, because at least they get tips…
>Social Worker
There is no job out there like this one, especially for someone who need to gain some real perspective. Highly educated, professionally licensed and invariably underpaid, social workers can, and often do, make a real difference in peoples’ lives. They mostly work for non-profits, and so there’s no glamour or fancy amenities where they work. And because they work in hospitals, orphanages and other not-too-happy places, they gain a level of insight into the human condition that cry babies totally lack. What an eye-opener this career change would mean for them. Best of all, they might even do some good out there.
>Customer Service Rep.
It would indeed be sweet justice having your office crybaby stand behind some box store complaint counter. Having to deal with complaint after complaint, as one dissatisfied customer after another stands in line, just waiting to vent. The cry baby will have to feign interest, and even concern, as people complain about everything from store hours to how much wrapping paper they use. And, as a value added tax, just think about all the bad breath the cry baby will have to inhale. At least then there’s a legit reason to whine. No matter how annoyed we can get in a store, these people are standing on their feet all day, bearing the brunt of customer anger while trying to help.
>Bartender
If it was only about serving up drinks, it wouldn’t be so bad (but then it wouldn’t really be apt for the cry baby in your office life, would it?). No, because what every bartender is expected, really mandated to do, is to also mix in equal shots of sympathy. Resigned, face set in a mask as frozen as a daiquiri, the bartender hears it all. Most of it is invariably boring, petty and predictable. And it’s always about whining, about being under appreciated, under valued, and about being the perennial victim. The office cry baby as bartender becomes an almost magical mirror image. No one deserves it more. Bartenders, at least get tips for listening.
>Mediator/Arbitrator
In startling contrast to the cry baby, who listens to no one but him or herself, the mediator is obligated to hear the complaints of both sides. So, this professional negotiator becomes a reservoir, a sewer, if you will, for a host of perceived slights, grievances, and abuses. Yet, and from this pastiche of crap, this toxic stew of equal time whining, the mediator needs to devise a settlement, an agreement, to at least stop the whining for a while, or until the next contract comes up for renewal. Let’s see whether the cry baby can find a solution, and not just, as usual, the problem. Wanna bet?
As a last resort, and if our cry babies can’t/won’t do any of these jobs, then let’s suggest the following…
>Farmer
They say that a good fantasy life is healthy, so how about thinking of our office whiner being transported far, far away. Not to Siberia or Devils’ Island, but to someplace where there’s no one around to complain to-about anything, ever. Envision the cry baby working, really doing hard (OMG) physical labor, in say, Montana. All alone except for the veggies and a few random cows. Complain to the cabbage heads? Not likely. Whine to the watermelon? Why bother. Besides, the cry baby’s gonna have to save energy to shovel the next load of literal, rather than figurative, shyte. Silence is indeed golden.
This post is by Jobacle team member Victor Kipling.
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